Page 460 - Revelation

Svetlana de Rohan-Levashova. Revelation

did not take her shining eyes off me and smiled.

– Be brave, mother! Don’t give in to him! – Anna mentally told me. – I will always
love you... even there. Don’t forget me, mother!
My heart thumped in iron vice. I lacked air... It seemed to me that I was going to
go with Anna, unable to endure this pain anymore. But I did not know how inhuman
this pain was about to become...

– I am sorry, mother, but you have to help me. I cannot go away by myself... Will
you help me, mother?
Suddenly the surrounding world disappeared somewhere. Only my beloved girl
was left and to my horror she asked me to help her to go away... which meant that she
asked me to kill her, stopping her beating heart.
The whole world turned upside down. My physical body refused to obey... I was
scared that I would die failing to fulfill my daughter's request! Anna could not help
herself. I was left to save her from the suffering from which there was no other way to
be rescued...

The executioner came and set fire to the dry straw... The flame blazed easily and
victoriously, merrily climbing higher and higher, threatening to seize the helpless
body...
– Farewell, mother! – Anna exclaimed. – Farewell, dear!

I tried to help her, but for some reason failed! I scolded myself for faint-
heartedness. I tried again. Anna looked at me seized with flame and mentally begged:
– Mother, help me!... Mother!!!
Once again I gathered my last forces and at the same instant her fragile body was
helplessly hanged on cords...

My wonderful daughter, my light girl was dead. I killed her, opening the way for
her into a longed-for eternity... Afterwards I did not remember anything…
Days flew by... I was ill...

My consciousness constantly fell into nonexistence, now returning for a short
while, now going for long, long hours, thus rescuing me from plunging into complete
madness. The hours of rest replaced the hours of delirium, where familiar images were
exchanged for unknown ones, making my soul yell and writhe and seek sanctuary...
It seemed sometimes that I had gone at last... I saw dear faces – father, Girolamo,
Anna... They smiled at me, thus helping me to survive. Sometimes I saw Caraffa’s
image. For some reason he was always extremely worried... His black eyes devoured
me, as if looking for an answer…
Finally, over some time, the fever began to retreat. Days seemed clearer, the state
of delirium disappeared. It seemed that the most frightful thing had passed, or so others
thought... The most frightful thing for me was my awakening and remembering what
had so cruelly tossed in my fevered brain in the lonely island of black-out. I
remembered Anna’s death and boundless pain gushed like a waterfall into my withered
soul! To my surprise the pain REVIVED me! Probably all other feelings were simply
dead in my soul a long time ago.

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